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The World Cup Remembered

By Ben Foulds
Freelance Contributing Writer
10 July 2010
Come Monday morning, the World Cup will be over for another four years.

Sad? Relieved? Can't wait for the racket of the now-infamous vuvuzela to be no more?

Whatever your feelings approaching the close of proceedings in South Africa, I hope this rather amateurish homage will provide you with something to remind you of the past few weeks of footballing fun.

Don't worry, I've not gone crazy and I do realise that this is supposed to be a blog about cars, which is why I've given the thing a little motoring twist.

So, without further ado, I'd like to hand proceedings over to myself for the catchily-titled (drum-roll please...)

makeandmodel.co.uk 2010 FIFA World Cup Alternative Awards Ceremony for Car Fans

TEAM AWARDS

Perodua Kelisa Award


First up is the award for not being as bad as you'd think but still turning out to be pretty rubbish anyway, which goes to North Korea. They also win the prize because pretty much nothing is known about them. Just like the Perodua Kelisa.


French team makes its way to training
MG XPower SV Award

This goes to a team that showed so much promise on the surface of it, but ultimately crumbled when it came to the big-time, due to a multitude of problems created by in-house incompetence. Italy and England pushed them pretty close, but really the award can only go to the utter shambles that was, of course, France.

Suzuki Swift Award

The prize for the most pleasantly surprising team in the tournament, and also for showing remarkable agility, not to mention winning hands-down against some supposedly superior opposition, goes to Germany.

Fiat Multipla Award

This goes to the Netherlands, for winning without being pleasing to the eye, and also for using the full width of the pitch. They would have made an even stronger case if they’d played with three up front, but hey, you can’t have everything.

Sinclair C5 Award

The final team award. This is presented to a team that was massively overhyped by its own followers before the event, but that was always doomed to failure for reasons such as its rubbish battery life – which may or may not have been caused by a long Premier League season. Ladies and gents, I give you England.

SPECIAL AWARDS

The Best Beard Award, in association with the Audi S3:

Beards have rather gone out of fashion lately. This is unfortunate for Argentina coach Diego Maradona who couldn't shave after a dog bit him in the face, and so was forced to grow his own brand of face fungus. Audi have no such excuse, though.

The French Revolution Award, in association with the Citroen REVOLTe Concept:

This award is shared between Nicolas Anelka, who began Les Bleus’ internal fisticuffs when he insulted manager Raymond Domenech in the dressing room, and skipper Patrice Evra for initiating the team's ridiculous strike action that followed.


Lennon: As quick as a Tesla?
The Electric Pace Award, in association with the Tesla Roadster:

The battery-powered Roadster goes from 0-60mph in 4 seconds flat. Handily, so does Aaron Lennon (probably). The England winger, at about 2ft 7in, also shares a very low centre of gravity with the Tesla – handy for taking hairpin bends around opposition defenders.

The Most Interesting Name Award, in association with the Mazda Bongo Friendee and Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard:

There are several contenders for this award, including Honduran striker Georgie Welcome and South Africa's Surprise Moriri. There can only be one winner, though, and that is the quite wonderfully-named Chilean defender Waldo Ponce.

The Pronunciation Bother Award, in association with the Ford Ka, Toyota Prius, Peugeot 1007, Fiat Ulysse and KTM X-Bow:

Prime candidates of course include the Jabulani and vuvuzela; however, I feel I have to give the prize to the entire Greece squad. You have to feel sorry for the poor commentators who had to get through to full-time with names such as Christos Patsatzoglou and Socrates Papastathopoulos on the team sheet.

The Utterly Useless Award, in association with the G-Wiz:

Contenders include now former (thankfully) France coach Raymond Domenech for his sterling work during the group stages, and FIFA for inconsiderately refusing to implement goal-line technology in time for Frank Lampard's ‘goal that never was’. But the winner has to be none other than BBC 5 Live's David Pleat - who, after Italy's defeat at the hands of Slovakia, declared – with great gravity it must be said – that "it's au-revoir to the Italians now". Top work, David.

The 'Hands-On' Award, in association with the Citroen C3 Pluriel:

Also winning this award for his evident versatility in being both a striker and goalkeeper at the same time, I give you Uruguay's Luis Suarez - him of the infamous extra-time handball against Ghana. Like the Pluriel, Suarez won’t be regarded with much fondness outside his home nation.

And finally...
The 'Can you direct me to the nearest toilet please sir?' Award, in association with the Suzuki Wagon R+ and TomTom Sat-Nav Systems:

This award goes to the England fan who, while 'looking for the loo', took a wrong turn and instead found himself face-to-face with the team in the dressing room. An embarrassing U-Turn ensued, but not before said fan gave some helpful pointers on the squad’s performance in the direction of David Beckham. You couldn’t make it up.

Et voila. Proof, if it were needed, that cars and football go together like Brussels sprouts and cake. Normal service will thus be resumed shortly, with apologies to those of you who don’t give a stuff about footy.

Meanwhile, enjoy Sunday’s final. Just don’t miss the Grand Prix in the anticipation of it all – I’m sure you won’t.

*Images courtesy of Phil Cole/Getty Images


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